I Don’t Want To Be An Ojakgyo

CW/TW: Mentions of suicide, graphic descriptions of injury

On that particular day, Shuraina was supposed to sleep over at Hestia's home and was unable to go over to Swanhaden that night.

Shuraina had found a particular piece of information in the Flowith residence library, and had promised Hestia that she would sleep over.

When she contacted Swanhaden to tell him that she wouldn't be able to go that night, Swan responded with a "Don't come over at all," but Shuraina could tell that he wasn't being honest and just smiled at his response.

Swanhaden had, once again, been beaten within an inch of his life to increase his natural healing abilities. Once again, his body was full of the injuries of soldiers and those who were ill.

His skin had burst open and his bones had been broken. He was covered in blood. Swanhaden dragged his barely moving body to the bed. When he laid on the bed, blood seeped into the fabric and stained it red.

When he tried to heal his worn body, it felt like each cell in his body lit up in flames.

Swanhaden, riddled with scars, didn't have an inch of his body that felt okay. His breaths came in uneven bursts and he occasionally coughed up blood. The only thing breathing in the small, almost bare room was a single boy, covered in blood.

Swanhaden laid on his bed and, for a moment, tried to bear the now sickening silence in his room.

'Ah, when is she coming.'

He curled up into a ball on his bed.

'Oh, right, she said that she wouldn't be here today.'

Before, being left alone in his room wasn't a big deal. It was different now. He felt anxious if he didn't hear her worry-filled, emotionless voice. Swanhaden despised the silence.

Swanhaden waited and waited for Shuraina. Even though he knew that she wouldn't come, he waited just in case. But Shuraina didn't come. Shuraina, who had filled the emptiness and silence, who had wrapped his injuries with fresh bandages and told him stories, wasn't here.

His head began to ache. Swan tried to fall asleep to forget about Shuraina, but the overwhelming silence of the empty room continued to bother him.

Swanhaden pulled his blankets over his head and tugged harshly at his silver hair. His fingers shook. The emotional turmoil felt stronger than the physical pain. An unknown, unreasonable feeling of anxiousness and concern continued to press down on him.

'She'll be here soon. Tomorrow, she'll be here tomorrow. Keep your head straight. Shuraina will be here soon.'

Swan hated that he felt like going crazy just because Shuraina hadn't come for a single day.

His injuries began to split open all of a sudden. New injuries bloomed on new skin, and injuries grew atop old injuries. Swan rolled on the floor and scratched the walls in pain. When he threw an ornament across the room, a loud clatter rang in the silent room. But it wasn't the child's screams.

There was nobody by Swan's side as tears and blood dripped down his body. He screamed in agony, curled up alone in the large, dark room.

Shuraina continued to worry about Swanhaden as she stayed at Hestia's home. There was no way that something would happen just because she didn't go for one day, right? was what she thought, but she was also nervous because Swanhaden always had some kind of life or death injury on him every single day.

Once Shuraina had gotten the information she needed from the Flowith earl's library, she woke up Hestia from her nap on the desk.

"Go to the room and sleep."

"Uung…….? Oh, I fell asleep?"

Shuraina wiped Hestia's drool off of her face and nodded.

Once Hestia stood up from her seat, covering her mouth as she yawned, Shuraina went back to grab a few more books to read and headed out of the library with Hestia.

Shuraina held onto her books with one hand and Hestia's hand with the other. Hestia continued to doze off, even as she walked. Her small, pink head continued to bobble up and down as she tried to fight away sleep.

Hestia was absolutely adorable but looked like she would topple down any minute, so Shuraina put her books away into her dimension pocket and held Hestia on her back. The moment Hestia landed on Shuraina's back, she hugged her neck and fell deep asleep.

The moment they arrived at Hestia's room, Shuraina carefully placed Hestia onto the bed and gave her a goodnight kiss, then took out a small gift box from her dimension pocket. In the gift box was a fountain pen, engraved with Hestia's name.

Shuraina wanted to be of whatever help she could for Hestia, who was trying her best. At first, she wanted to buy her some political books for beginners, but it seemed that she wanted to continue hiding it so she let it be. Even if they were friends, she didn't want to encroach upon what felt like her territory.

Shuraina continued to think about what other gifts she could get her, and decided on a fountain pen with Hestia's name engraved on it. She used her own money to buy a luxurious fountain pen for her.

[I'm always cheering you on.]

Shuraina scribbled onto a small piece of paper. She placed both the note and the gift near Hestia's head and stood up. She felt like she needed to go and check on Swanhaden. His overflow symptoms had gotten worse recently, and she was extremely worried about him.

Shuraina stroked Hestia's hair a few more times before using her teleportation circle to head over.

The next morning, Hestia discovered the present that Shuraina had left her and immediately went to look for her, but Shuraina was nowhere to be found. She had gone missing.

"Swan?"

Shuraina teleported to Swanhaden's room and called his name.

The first thing that greeted Shuraina when she entered the room was pure silence. She turned her head back and forth to look for Swanhaden before she found him. She had arrived later than usual, so she wondered if he had fallen asleep, so she checked near Swanhaden's bed.

Swanhaden was definitely near the bed. But unlike normal, his scars weren't closing at all. On the contrary, the overflow symptoms had coincided and his injuries had grown atop his existing injuries.

Swanhaden was in so much pain that he couldn't even move. Blood continued to flow from his body as he laid still, as if dead. He wanted to pass out, but it seemed that he couldn't even do that.

Swanhaden just stared at the ceiling with blank eyes. His jewel-like eyes had lost their light, and there wasn't a trace of an emotion on his face. He looked empty, as if resigned to his fate.

Shuraina ran to Swanhaden as soon as she discovered.

"Are you okay? Hey, you! Wake up!"

His condition was already so severe, and she was scared that he would only get worse if she touched him. She couldn't touch him easily. Instead, Shuraina tried to remove the blood on his body and on the bed. But strangely, unlike other days, Swan's injuries didn't heal, and blood continued to pour out even as she removed it.

Swanhaden stared at Shuraina with empty eyes.

"………you said you wouldn't come."

Swanhaden's voice was hoarse as he barely held on to his words.

Swanhaden wanted to cling onto Shuraina, but he didn't have any strength left in him to do so. It wouldn't have been strange for him to lose consciousness right then and there, but he held onto it with a vice grip because of Shuraina.

He had no idea how much longer he was going to have to rot in this room. There wasn't any kind of guarantee that Shuraina would come looking for him every day. What if his powers exploded like this, on another day that she couldn't come? The more he leaned on Shuraina for support, what if the hole she left behind became bigger and bigger?

Swanhaden barely sat back up to move closer to Shuraina. He grasped at her hand to feel her warmth.

"…….make me one promise."

Swanhaden was resigned. He couldn't see any kind of future ahead of him. The moment Shuraina stopped coming, he didn't have the confidence to bear the pain of it once again. He dimly realized that she had tamed him.

Shuraina's hand was covered in blood. Swanhaden tried to wipe the blood off of her hand on his sleeve, but it was no use–the blood continued to flow.

Swanhaden tried to put his hand on Shuraina's face, but pulled away when he saw his bloodied hand. He stared at how worried Shuraina was before smiling as if he was going to fall apart.

"Kill me, please."

Swan gripped Shuraina's hand tightly.

His entire body was bound in pain. If he wanted to die, then it was the best time to die–when his injuries wouldn't heal. Soon, his natural healing would improve and he wouldn't be able to die when he wanted. Unless a white magician like himself had killed him, that was.

Swan frowned as he barely kept going.

"You……..said I was your friend. You said you pitied me. So end my pain."

At Swanhaden's pleas for death, Shuraina's eyes went round. Tears began to fall, drop by drop, from cold-looking orange eyes. Shuraina couldn't speak at all.

"I think dying by your hands would be okay."

Swanhaden pulled out the dagger that Shuraina carried on her waist. Swanhaden grit his teeth and slowly, painfully, handed the dagger to Shuraina.

"Here, eugh. Please……. I'm not healing right now. If you cut my head off right now, I'll die."

Shuraina stared at the dagger placed in her hand and back at Swan. What was he saying right now? Shuraina wanted to tell him to stop kidding around, but Swan looked so miserable that she couldn't say anything. Her hands sook.

"Hurry……… Let me get out of here………"

Swanhaden grabbed the hand that Shuraina held the dagger and put it near his neck. He couldn't breathe properly from the pain, so he was a bit rushed.

Shuraina looked at him and grit her teeth. He was too young, too much of a child to bear so much pain. Shuraina put her forehead on Swan's, who was lying down.

"………..I don't want to."

Shuraina said, dropping the dagger that Swan had given her on the floor.

Swanhaden wasn't used to seeing Shuraina in pain because of him. He couldn't understand her. He was the one that was in pain, why was she the one that was miserable? Why, why are you crying? Swan just looked at her, the one who couldn't kill him. Shuraina cried for a moment before speaking.

"Whose dreams do you want to haunt for you to ask that of me? Don't give me that kind of responsibility."

Shuraina opened her mouth as she began to draw a magic circle on top of him.

She had studied white magic throughout the weeks. The information she had looked for at Hestia's home was also related to white magic. Shuraina studied how they could control his powers and the injuries that came with it, and she had made a few breakthroughs with it.

Shuraina finished drawing the circle and looked at Swanhaden, smiling.

"Even if I can't end your life."

Shuraina chanted the activation spell.

"I can hurt with you so that you're not alone."

The magic circle activated without a hitch. Uneven, random bursts of light began to emanate from the circle.