I Don’t Want To Be An Ojakgyo

Hestia frowned at me as I continued to throw questions her way.

Although she had been fuming a second ago, her eyes suddenly lost their focus. She moved almost machine-like as she continued to put ointment on my head.

Hestia put more strength into her hand as she continued to applied ointment, so I just made an Ouch noise.

"Ouch, that stings. Hestia, that stings. Oww."

Hestia seemed deep in thought. She flinched in surprise and shifted her hand away from my head at the sound. She apologized and blew on my scalp, but it stung more so I shoved her away.

Listen, it felt great to feel a bit of a chill during summer, but this wasn't what I wanted. I really needed to head to the library soon to look at hair growth magic later on.

"I'm going to sleep for a bit. Do you want to sleep too?"

When your heart was wavering or confused, the best thing you could do was sleep.

After telling her that she had applied enough ointment, I headed over to Hestia's bed and crawled in. I was going to sleep until curfew.

When I laid on the bed, Hestia picked up the cushion on the floor and quietly laid next to me in bed. She hugged me tightly as she put her head on my shoulder. I could see Hestia's face up close. Her frown and stoic silence showed me how much internal turmoil was going on in her mind.

I wanted to sleep, but Hestia stared at me with so much intensity that I couldn't sleep.

Laying down like this made me think of our childhood.

Hestia always followed me around ever since we were young.

She always looked at me like a mom or an older sister. She always sucked on her thumb and clung to my clothes, following wherever I went.

Because of that, from some point in time, Hestia began to feel like a little sister to me.

I remembered how, whenever I would reach out with my fingers, Hestia would grab onto my finger with her small hand.

I stretched my hand and stroked Hestia's hair away from her face.

"You know how I think of you like family, right."

Hestia raised her head slightly at the seemingly random question. I opened my eyes into slits and stared at Hestia. She smiled slightly and put her head back on my shoulder and nodded.

"….I know."

"What do you think of me?"

Hestia responded without much of a delay.

"Shushu is cool, amazing, respectable, perfect……. And envious in some ways."

She was more honest than usual today. She was usually busy trying to tell me that what I was doing wasn't ladylike or right, but she seemed to be changing recently, and her words reflected that.

Since we were little, I always made sure to help solve any issues whenever something happened to her. And whenever that happened, Hestia would look at me with shiny, grateful eyes.

"I'm not that great of a person, Hestia."

Hestia was hiding behind me as a person. She wanted to get reassurance of the talents that she worked so hard for through me, and wanted to hide the gazes and the arrows shot towards her by hiding behind my back. Even if she had to act a certain way to keep it that way.

And through all of that, she continued to dream.

That was how much Hestia leaned on me and relied on me. Because she thought that I was such an amazing person that I could shield her from anything.

"I'm a kid too, and I'm emotional, and I sometimes make choices that are stupid and shameful. So I'm honestly kind of scared."

Hestia's toes wiggled as she listened to my words. She shook her head.

"……no. You're not like that."

I put my hand on Hestia's shoulder and pat her gently.

"I feel responsible for you as much as you lean on me."

"….."

"But I'm not that person who you think I am."

I remembered how the other girls talked about Hestia.

To be completely honest, if Hestia continued to live her life by acting how she was now, she would look like she was being coy or not as intelligent as she was.

Even if they still deserved to be beat up, especially looking at that one girl from before.

Anyway, I was feeling a lot of responsibility. I was wondering if the reason why Hestia continued to rely on me and was trying to hide her true self was because I thought too little of Hestia's potential and talents.

And maybe I tried to help her too much, and that had caused a delay in her growth.

"You know, Hestia. I can't accomplish your dreams for you. The goals that you and I have are different."

I knew of Hestia's ambitions. Unlike me, who just wanted a steady paycheck and my needs taken care of, Hestia's goal was something that would shake the nation's very roots.

I had realized her goal as I read through her notebook. And that goal wasn't just a child's dream. She had written out a complex, detailed set of plans. She just didn't put it into action because she was nervous and scared. And she had, at some point, began to hope that I would accomplish these goals for her.

Something that Hestia hadn't realized was that the efforts and the methods needed had been planned with Hestia's own efforts and capabilities in mind. I couldn't fill that position for her.

Even if we learned and grew under similar childhoods, our needs, goals, and wants were all different. If Hestia continued to live life by matching her wants and needs to mine, she would never be truly content.

"I asked you who the 'real you' was earlier, right?"

The drowsiness had long gone. I stared at Hestia's confused looking gaze and stroked her hair gently. Just like how I did my younger siblings in my past life.

"Honestly, I don't know for me either. As I keep living life, my 'self' keeps changing. My goals keep shifting. So I think there's nothing I can do but keep looking."

I frowned as I spoke quietly, as if talking to myself. To be clear, though, my goal for now was still a civil servant.

A magic knight in the first order of knights in the royal palace. I wanted to do just that for the consistent, well-paying paycheck. What I wanted in life was simple and easy to attain. Unlike Hestia's goal.

"I hope that you don't get too stuck on me. Unlike you, I want to live my life specifically for myself, so I don't have the courage to live the way you want to. Find your way in life before you regret it later on. Before you feel like I betrayed you."

"…………"

"Hestia, I'm a pretty imperfect, needy person too, so I want someone next to me that I can rely on. I hope you can be that person for me."

"……Shushu relying on me?"

Hestia's already wide eyes grew even wider in excitement. I quietly nodded my head.

Hestia wasn't someone who should be following me. Unlike me, whose goal was only self-preservation, Hestia's dreams were big.

At this point, I didn't know what I wanted to say. I tried my best to tell her to stand on her own and rely on herself, but I wondered if my feelings went through.

"I told you I'm cheering you on, right?"

I pressed a kiss onto Hestia's forehead as she was lost in thought, then sat back up.

I stretched my arm to the desk near the bed, then grabbed the pen I gave to Hestia a long time ago. Then, I pressed the pen into Hestia's hand.

"Here, I'm gifting it to you again."

It was nearing curfew, so I got out of the bed and stood up. Hazel was probably waiting for me in our room.

When I tried to leave, Hestia held the pen tightly in her grasp and ran to me, pulling me into a hug. Hestia opened and closed her mouth and began to speak after a while.

"Shushu………..I'm so scared to leave your side. I'm scared of becoming confident like you…… Can't I just stay like this? Can't I just be childish, like I don't know anything?"

The tears dripping down her cheeks were clear and deep. I raised my hand to her face and wiped the tears with my thumb. I tried to speak as firmly as I could.

But I wanted to tell her that the problems she would have to solve from now on weren't scary. Instead, they would be exciting. I tried my best to tell her that by smiling gently and curving the corner of my eyes.

"Even if you ask me, I don't have anything to say. It's your choice."

I gripped the cold doorknob and quietly closed the door, telling her night.

I can't ever forget the shine in Hestia's eyes as I closed the door.

Her eyes shone brightly, filled with determination, like a baby eagle had finally figured out how to fly in the open blue sky.

The next day, I had become a celebrity. Hurray.

Well, I was the center of attention more than a celebrity. The center of attention. Gross

I probably could've just kicked around their belongings and solved the entire issue with a quiet conversation and maybe a few curses…without threatening them.

But I had gotten so angry that I had just excitedly beaten them up. Shuraina, you promised to live a quiet life, yet….

I worried slightly about earning a new nickname: the gamecock*.

It just sucked that my hair got caught in the locker right then.

People would always talk and be jealous of Hestia if she was pretty and I knew it too.

There had been incidents when even boys had made their own rumors about Hestia out of jealousy, so that really said it all. Being angry was obvious, but I probably shouldn't have fought so aggressively with a beginner swordsman like that. But you know what? Isabel got a lot of hits on me, too.

'For me to be unable to control my emotions like this, I guess I'm also in my prime……'

Oh, no. I was so shocked at my own thoughts that I grasped at my own hair. It was just a thought, but a chill went down my spine. I shrieked slightly. What was I saying?! Did I get infected by the puberty bug like Hylli? This was all Hylli's fault.

I eagerly walked to the yellow classroom, excited to be alone.

But contrary to my hopes, there was a lot of people in the classroom.

It was Hestia, and the other swordsmanship girls who I had fought yesterday.

I ended up seeing something incredible. Hestia was actually getting an apology from all of those girls. Even from Isabel, the one with the horrible personality.

I didn't know why, but all of the girls in the classroom had a bald spot on their head like me.

I didn't know what they were saying, but it seemed like everything had been resolved. They didn't look like they hated each other. Seeing the warm sight in front of me made me feel a chill on my bald spot.

One of the swordsmanship girls and I accidentally looked at each other at the same time. When they gestured towards me, I walked to the group.

All of the swordsmanship girls had a bald spot on their heads. It was honestly kind of funny. It was even funnier when all of us were together. And thus, all of the second year swordsmanship girls ended up having a bald spot together. It gave us kind of a united front. It was pretty nice.

I looked at the girl who stopped Isabel yesterday and asked her a question.

"Why's your hair like that? I thought I had protected your scalp that time."

At my question, the girl quietly stared at Hestia. When I looked at Hestia, she just smiled widely with her normal, casual smile. The girls all scowled at Hestia with a contemptible gaze.

Hestia looked at me, then poked Isabel's ribs from next to her. Isabel glared at Hestia and pouted.