I Don’t Want To Be An Ojakgyo

We finally, finally met, but why didn't I have the confidence to greet her face to face?

Who said you could change like that? Who told you to become so pretty that I couldn't face you? I wanted to throw a fit and argue at Shuraina, but I couldn't.

I wanted to play chess with her after such a long time, but I thought that my hands would shake furiously whenever I moved a chess piece. That would be annoying. Then, if we met eyes……..I would die. I'd die happily, though.

I continued to stay around Shuraina, but I couldn't look at her properly or speak to her once. I didn't know why I was like this. I'd never felt like this before. What had I been doing for the past seven years? I felt like there needed to be a change.

I took out a book titled 'How to Get a Girl' from Yvnes' drawer and read through it. Yvnes said that he used this book to make deals with noblewomen.

When I skimmed through the book, I found that a there was a ton of weird stuff in it. Moreover, there wasn't anything I could do when I couldn't even look at her face to face

Thankfully, I found something in the book that I could try without looking at Shuraina directly.

I pulled out a pen to write her a letter. But in the end, I couldn't do anything but fold the letter I had just wrote into paper cranes. My hands were shaking too much for me to write a letter altogether.

But suddenly, my plans to slowly approach her had all crumpled into pieces. During the practical exam, I was taking Shuraina back to school before she tripped and fell on top of me.

Shuraina was much smaller and thinner in my arms. Just like Shuraina had changed, it seemed that I had grown as well. Although we were similar sizes when we were children, Shuraina was much smaller now. I happened to put my arms around her waist, and it was incredibly thin. It felt kind of dangerous, so I immediately took my hands off of her waist.

When Shuraina came close, I could smell a fresh fruit scent. We were close enough that I could hear her breathing. I accidentally met her eyes in that position. Lazy crimson eyes stared right back at me. As if surprised, her eyes had widened.

I couldn't breathe. The fact that Shuraina acknowledge my existence and was looking at me made my heart pound with incredulity. Just like I was looking at Shuraina, Shuraina was looking at me. I had only seen Shuraina in my dreams and in my picture for the past few years, but knowing that this was real made me feel like I was going insane.

Seeing Shuraina up close was an experience. She was so pretty. I felt like I wanted to break something so I just grabbed at some grass nearby and started pulling at it.

Her face was so close that I wanted to die. But even if I died right here, I wouldn't have too many regrets. I remembered asking Shuraina to kill me before, but if she killed me like this…I would die very happy. I couldn't help but think about how I wanted to stay like this forever, but I was also miserable because it was hard to bear. I was wondering what I had to do, but Shuraina suddenly fainted in my arms.

Shuraina had a talent for pulling up someone high into the heavens, then plunging them into the depths of hell in the next moment. Seeing Shuraina still and lifeless reminded me of her bloodied form as a child. It felt like my blood was ice cold in my veins as the fear and despair from that time suddenly began welling deep in my chest.

Above all, I wished that Shuraina wasn't in pain. The reason I had erased her memories, the reason why I had never gone to see her in the midst of it all, was because I didn't want Shuraina to be in pain.

I was approaching her because I wanted to be closer with her, but if I ever made her feel any kind of pain, I was immediately going to step back. Whenever she hurt, the only thing that I could see in front of me was the bloody, lifeless body of hers. I couldn't bear that.

After Shuraina fainted, I always made sure to give her potions to improve her health. But Shuraina just tried to sell the potions I made for her.

To be fair, if she sold the high-quality heal potions I gave her, she would be able to gain a considerable sum of money. But I wanted her to take care of health more instead of focusing on money.

Shuraina was cute and tiny, but I wanted her to gain a bit more weight. Whenever I saw her thin arms and legs, I sighed out of worry. What if they broke? Of course, it wasn't that gaining weight would make her healthier, but it added an extra layer of protection for her body, so it might make it safer. Cory seemed to have the same idea of me, and was giving Shuraina more food than usual. Come to think of it, Cory and Shuraina seemed close. Maybe I should be wary of them as well?

I thought that once my pilgrimage was over, becoming close to Shuraina would be a piece of cake. Nothing was going the way that I wanted it, though. I could only sigh.

I was drawing a picture of Shuraina's face in the blue class during my rest period, but someone suddenly called my name.

"Swanhaden?"

I wondered who it as, but it was a low-energy pink blob. Hes-something. Hestia? It was Hestia. When Hestia came to my class, the other boys began to furiously whisper to each other. There were a few kids who were blushing happily, and there was even a kid who was whisling.

Hestia often followed Shuraina to the training hall when we were children. I didn't like how she didn't do anything except watch Shuraina and smile at her during training.

When we were children, Hestia always bothered Shuraina and I whenever we were in the training hall. When Shuraina's memories disappeared, Hestia blamed me and despised me for it. Even if it was really my fault.

After Shuraina lost her memories, I bumped into Hestia a few times during the nobles' parties. Each and every time we met, Hestia talked nonsense about how I had a horrible personality and other kinds of nonsense. There was one conclusion to every story that Hestia told. Stay away from Shuraina. But that was what I wanted to tell her, too.

"Talk to me for a bit."

"Can't you see that I'm busy?"

I wasn't just drawing, I was drawing Shuraina's hair. It was an incredibly difficult part of the drawing. Hestia briefly glanced at the picture that I was drawing. Her face cleared.

"Shushu's hair is important, so I'll wait until you're done."

"Why are you waiting? I don't have any time to waste on you."

Hestia's face crumpled into an angry expression and she dragged me out by my collar. I held onto my notebook and continued sketching. It was more important for me to finish drawing Shuraina than asking her to let go. This was going to be my good luck charm for today.

Hestia glared at me with big green eyes. It was obvious what she was going to say with that kind of expression. She was going to tell me to stay away from Shushu.

"Patrick from the red class says he likes Shuraina."

"……?"

But today's conversation was different.

For the first time in my life, I listened to what Hestia had to say.

I knew who Patrick was. He was top of his class in swordsmanship, and he always moussed his hair up high and thought too highly of himself. I had been watching Patrick recently–it was always fun to beat down a kid who thought too much of himself.

"That kid has a ton of rumors about how badly he treats girls."

"….."

Patrick didn't have a lot of good rumors about him. I knew well about them too. He would try to get the attention of girls for no particular reason, then he would rate them and spread bad rumors about them. He was trash.

But that piece of trash was interested in Shuraina. I couldn't even look at her because I was nervous, and he was going to try and hit on her?

"He said that Shuraina's going to be an easy girl and that if he confesses, she'll fall right for him. And that it's okay for him to treat her like that because she's only a baron's child."

"……."

Hestia told me that she would mess him up herself, but she didn't want to deal with the aftermath because she felt like he would be too clingy.

My energy levels plummeted just like Hestia.

I opened my drawer to look at all of the weapons stored in it. After living on a battlefield for a while, I had amassed a collection of weapons. From my collection I took out a large ring and an iron mace, and all of the most terrifying looking weapons I had. Patrick was at the top of his class, so he would probably be good at avoiding attacks, so maybe I needed to pack some restraints as well?

I looked at Hestia, who was waiting for me, and smiled.

"Lead the way."

I was going to make him go through the full circle of reincarnation today.

I held onto the books that I would be using for my next class and passed through the busy students to and fro. Then, I was faced with Swanhaden and waved my hand hello.

"Hi."

"…."

When I greeted him on my way to class, Swanhaden paused on his way to class, turned his head slightly, then igno…..didn't ignore me, and minutely nodded his head and accepted my greeting. He was the one that said to talk to him first, but for him to act so coolly about it. He really was a little duke.

I always stayed with Hestia through my morning classes, so Hestia was right by my side when I bumped into Swanhaden.

Hestia passed by Swan and narrowed her eyes at him. A wrinkle formed between her brows.

"Shushu, when did you get so close to Swanhaden? You're not close, right? You haven't gotten close, riiiiight?"

My shoulder strap kept falling off, so I had to shrug it back on my shoulder. Hestia's eyes rolled at my words and the wrinkle between her brows grew in number. She pouted.

"Swanhaden Blanche said to say hi when you saw him? Funny, that."

"Huh? That's a weird way to say it, but yeah."

"What, why's he acting all high and mighty now~? Don't let him get away with thaaat. Eugh."

This was the first time I had seen Hestia so annoyed. She really seemed to dislike Swanhaden. I looked at Hestia as she stewed in anger and smiled.

Whenever Swan tried to talk to me or waved at me, Hestia's eyes grew sharp as if she was a hawk hunting for prey. Even watching it made me feel all prickly.

Hestia always showed expressions that I haven't seen before in front of Swanhaden.

It was always kind of shocking to see Hestia make disgusted expressions or annoyed expressions like the ones that Swanhaden would make. She was always such a shy or smiley girl.

"Hestia?"

The air around her grew colder than the Arctic, so I tilted my head and called her name. Then, Hestia's eyes went wide and she fixed her expression. When I looked at her again, she smiled brightly, like warm sunlight on a spring day.

"Whaaat?"

Maybe it was because of puberty, but Hestia's personality seemed to be changing, little by little. I'd even seen her curse like a sailor under her breath a few times. But it didn't seem strange at all–it actually seemed like it was just her natural personality. She'd become weirdly aggressive once Swanhaden entered the academy, so maybe it was Swanhaden's fault?

But seeing how confident she grew from before, I thought that maybe I should accept this as a positive change.